If there is one thing Kim Kardashian has taught me, it's that I'm wasting my time trying to be talented in order to become famous. I really should be doing absolutely nothing but looking hot, networking with reality television producers and accepting any and all product endorsement deals that come my way on my quest for fame. A few years ago we all would have rolled our eyes at the thought, but after looking at Kim's latest $28 million paycheck and playing her free iPhone game, I'm starting to reconsider my pathway to stardom.
I didn't know that as soon as I would download "Kim Kardashian Hollywood" that I would become obsessed with the superficial-yet-gratifying world of a reality TV personality. Kim Kardashian has changed my life. Virtually and literally.
In the beginning of the game, your personally designed character starts out as an E-List celebrity (don't you even dare believe you're good enough to be on the D-List) taking the form of a salesperson at the fictional fashion boutique called So Chic in downtown LA. Anyone in retail can probably relate to feeling like the lowest of the low. However, your luck instantly changes when Kim Kardashian magically shows up at the boutique right at closing, demanding you open the store just for her so she can grab a dress. With no other option but to tap "yes," Kim gets exactly want she wants and gives you her instant friendship in return, which seems as realistic as her face.
Seconds later, Kim, out of the kindness of her plastic heart, sets you up with an agent, manager and photo shoot. After a couple of clicks. you've risen up the rungs to the C-List. In fact, most of the game is spent endlessly tapping those blue points on the screen with your accumulated energy thunderbolts at fashion shows, photo shoots, ad campaigns, club appearances and even television sitcoms. The rush was instantly addicting as my in-game social media feed filled with praise not only from Kim, but from magazine outlets, celebrity gossip sites, entertainment critics, a Ryan Seacrest lookalike and fellow celebrities. Each successful "job" can earn you fans, money and points to level up. If you don't get at least four stars (which are attained by using those blue energy bolts) per activity, you lose fans, networking possibilities and potential dates.
I found myself astonishingly absorbed in changing my expensive outfits to attract paparazzi, fighting with my famous fr-enemies to feed the gossip sites and endorsing a brand of motor oil to get on the A-List (which didn't work at first due to my own fans deeming me a cash cow in such cruel irony). My dedication to overexposing myself paid off and now I'm the number one celebrity in Kim Kardashian's version of Hollywood (which is complete with a sign spelling out her last name instead of the iconic Hollywood sign). I have sixty-eight million fans buying into my good looks and the products I push with those good looks.
But it turns out there's more to my celebrity life than fame ... there's money and sex too! Kim graciously sets me up on a date (is there anything she can't do?) with a super hot fashion stylist named Tyler. She can also set you up with any pro sports player in the universe, besides Kris Humphries and Reggie Bush. You can't go out with your friend's exes, "that's just like the rules of feminism" and it applies to virtual Kardashianland too. I'm happy to report that despite tabloid discussions of my scandalous behavior with married men, Tyler and I are doing remarkably well and mutually feeding off each other's fame. Now if only I can upgrade him from an iPhone character to a real life human being.
After "working" so hard, I ditched my cramped downtown LA apartment for a condo in Hollywood and a beach house in Miami that's complete with the only character in this game not looking for fame: a Rottweiler. Don't ask me how a condo in Hollywood is ten thousand dollars and a sprawling waterfront beach house in Miami is six thousand because I'm no realtor, and apparently neither are any of the game's designers. I have so much virtual cash that I'm not stopping at just two residences, there's a Calabasas mansion right next to a Kardash boutique (the equalivent to the real life DASH boutiques), another beach house in Punta Mita, and a penthouse in SoHo. Why have one house when you can have them all? It's called building an empire.
The best part of the entire game is being Kim's slave, I mean BFF! She recommends you wear clothes that obviously look like they were designed by Kanye, gives you tips on which product deal you should go with, asks you to help her find a multi-million dollar earring she lost (sound familiar?) and even comes to your birthday party in Vegas. Which is news to you and me both because I had a birthday in Vegas last summer and don't remember seeing her anywhere inside PURE.
The dialogue in this game ranges from utterly ridiculous to absolutely pure advertising. Between Kim calling me a true friend for finding that priceless earring for her and sneaking in a quote about how she donates ten percent of her salary to charity in real life (apparently charities don't accept the game's Kim Koins), I'm still left wondering if Kim really is as shallow as the world makes her out to be.
But who cares? This is the life we all want. That's probably why this game is expected to earn over $200 million in revenue according to Forbes. This game is an unhealthily addicting escape from real life that oddly gives out expert advice on making this your soon-to-be-owned-by-E! reality.
I learned more about fame from Kim Kardashian's game than watching an episode of her family's E! reality hour-long advertisement:
- It's all about the look. Follow the latest fashion trends until the public trusts you enough to set them.
- Only endorse products that match your personal brand. Being the face of motor oil is an obvious move for money and will damage your credibility, try QuickTrim instead.
- Date people that are as famous or more famous than you. Relationships last no longer than 72 days in Hollywood, so don't waste your time with a MTV Real World cast member and start looking for a recently cast off beau on The Bachelor. If you don't realize those two dating options are on two opposite sides of the fame spectrum, you have even more to learn.
- Expose your whole entire life to the public. Buy a new house? Give People magazine the exclusive photo tour. Marry someone in an exotic country? Set an enormous budget with your TV network and call any and every brand that could get involved. Drink a glass of water? Tweet about it so all your fans know.
For the low cost of nothing, Kim inadvertently shares her few pearls (which are probably CHANEL or Givenchy) of wisdom in this iPhone game. Just don't get sucked into buying the in-game perks like energy bolts, virtual cash or Kim Koins so you can become famous faster. Dolling out real cash for virtual cash is about as stupid as believing that sex tape you filmed was properly deleted. But in this day and age, maybe it's not stupid, either way Kim is laughing all the way to the bank with me in the backseat of her Escalade.